گفتن یا نگفتن، مساله این است

If I would not write it right away, I would forget it all in no time thanks to my brilliant memory.

I got to Washington on Friday afternoon. It was a long time that I felt like I need a long break and, finally, just before another semester begins, I manage to get myself out of the office and go for a little excursion and (I hoped) adventure of my own.

For some reason which was not quite clear even to me, I was determined to go by myself and have a real good privacy far from everything. Not a clue how it's gonna turn out.

 Right from the beginning, everything seemed to be very right! As we all know, Iranians are treated somewhat harshly in flight regulations. I had to go through the same thing again. But it didn't really bother me. I had the impression that everybody is only doing his job and they are even a bit embarrassed. There was a a grandfather-kind-of-person who was the "grand-"supervisor too. A sweet person who even handed in my shoes to me as if it is an apology for what I have been gone through. Like it or not, I didn't mind!

I slept most of the time during my flight. The plane was landing in Baltimore and I was supposed to take Amtrak to get to Washington. At the train station, I met a sweet woman in her late-fifties, I guess. I don't remeber how the conversation started, however, not only I got many tips how to go around Washington, but we also talked politics. She had read a recent article from New Yorker reagrding the show trials in Iran. Surprisingly we both had the same issue of New Yorker with us and read the exact same article. As it turned out, her knowledge about Iran's complex politics was going beyond a few random articles. I told her that my people didn't want Shah and thus had feelings for the revolution and she was admittedly nodding. I was thrilled that I can make such an easy connection with a complete stranger who was thousands of miles far from the realities of my country. I liked it! Another good sign that this little private adventure is getting more engaging.

I got to Washington, found HI-International wherein I had reserved a room shared with 9 other people for three consecutice nights. Got in, got out and heading for exploring the city. I was aiming for Washington Monument, a very tall column which can be seen everywhere in the city. On my way on Constitution street, I found myself opposite to a very familiar-looking building. I had to think for a few seconds before I realized that it is the White House! Later on, I headed for Lincoln Memorial which has been built over a vast area with a reflecting pool and a huge huge marble statue of Lincoln stared at everybody as if he is beyond us all. That was where Martin Luther king has made his famous "I have a dream speech". That made you feel rather special to be there...

I stayed a good two hours lingering there. Then I decided that it's Friday night and it should be some fun too! I asked for a lively place to hang around on Friday evening and that was how I learned about ِِِDupont Circle. I was waiting for the metro. A guy came by and another little conversation. Apparently, he was an under-appreciated movie-maker who was crazy about wrestling and even made a documentary about it. Once he knew that I am from Iran, he mentioned that in a part of the movie, he brings in some pictures from Iran. As it turned out, he was also out for some fun so I asked for any tips and he said "well, all bars around here are gay bars; I am gay. Are you?!". "Well, not yet!". The barhopping started. I checked out a few places before finding a cosi Italian place with affordable price and exquisite wine. If I am to call any evening a perfect one, that was it.

I got to the hostel after midnight. People were still up. A Japanese guy was going to visit Iran after the States and Peru and a few other countries. He said something like he likes Iran; I smiled. Two other guys from Ukraine got the impression that I do not completely agree. "Well, I am proud of my people but I am not proud of my government". I got a very enthusiastic response "We hate our government too!".

Next morning started with breakfast in hostel dining. My experience has proved me that if you knew a little bit of physics you would be of some interest to the people around you. The little breakfast talks is one of the unique features of hostel. Man, I love it! After impressing a few people by wonders of physics, I decided to go for a few museums, almost all concentrated in an area called the Mall. The most interesting one was the Air and Space museum, the home of the legendary Apollo 11, the first machine made by man which let him land on our closest heavenly neighbour, the Moon. Then I made my way to the Washington monument, the large column, and later decided to celebrate my evening with President Jefferson at his memorial.

The third day again started with little breakfast talks. It turned out that one of the people was an MIT student until very recently and is a friend's friend. A small world, huh?! On many occasions, I was struck by seeing how we are all entangled in ways we don't even know. Anyways, on my third day, I dealt with Pandas and monkeys (they call it zoo over here). Next, despite the tiresome day that I had until then, I visited Holocaust Memorial Museum. And I am happy I did it. Something said by Hitler was written on a wall: "There are endless things that you can learn from the enemy if you keep your eyes open". I learned a lot! Specially the way the human propaganda works and how masses of people are deluded. A very interesting and, in fact, huge collection of World war 2 and the Auschwitz.

Later the same day, there was going to be a concert in the Capital Hill (where Congress and many other famous buildings are located) on the occasion of the Labor day. The hostel was offering a tour. There were 30 of us who gathered to join the tour. The tour leader made a brief introduction and we decided to walk there. The next thing, he asked me where I am from and since I was honest this whole trip (maybe because my friends advised me to) I told him and we figured that he is Iranian too! Another fine coincidence! He introduced me to a (hostel) friend, a guy named Pedro from Belgium. We talked the next four hours while we also made it to the Concert under the heavy shower. The next day, Pedro and I  decided to go to Mount Vernon which accommodated the first president of the United states. Beautiful nature!

Honestly, before I started my trip, I thought that I would find myself in exotica. All by myself and with no acquaintances, I expected to be much more thrilled. Surprisingly, despite haveing a perfectly good time, I didn't really get into the mood. It was only later that I figured there is a sad but true reason. For me, even Boston where I am living is a long on-going trip; I live in my own city as a tourist too; I see the people here as strangers as I would find the people in any other city. That's, I guess, the sad reality of living amid the new things in the new home which hasn't become "my" home yet....

١. سرم گیج می رود. آدمها و صحنه ها مرتب عوض می شوند و تکرار می شوند. چه همه کار است که باید انجام بدم و جالبتر اینکه هیچ کدامشون هم یادم نمی آید. چیزی سنگینی می کند. چند روز است که پایین نرفته ام؟ صدای تلویزیون از پایین می آید. صدای قدمهای شمرده عصا هم گاهی شنیده می شود. چند روز می شود که سری به حاج آقا نزدم؟ وای سرم درد می کند و چه همه کار دارم برای انجام دادن. ولی چرا نمی توانم کار کنم؟ چرا دارم دور خودم می چرخم؟ صدای عصا دارد می آید. حاج آقا می رود که وضو بگیرد. باز لابد صبح زود بیدار شده و نمازش را خوانده، بعد هم همان کتاب را، از صفحه ای که روزنامه تا شده ای میانش گذاشته، باز کرده و شورع کرده به خواندن. لابد بعد هم دوباره تکه روزنامه را لای کتاب گذاشته. جور دیگه ای یادش نمی ماند که چی خوانده و تا کجا. عصا را از کنار تخت برداشته و رفته حیاط که قدمی بزند. کسی کنارش توی حیاط نشسته؟ باز صدای عصا می آید. خدایا چند روز است نرفتم؟ چرا من اینجا گیر کردم و هیچ جا نمی توانم بروم. اضطراب عجیبی دارم. باز صدای عصا می آید. نماز مغربش را هم خوانده. تلویزیون را روشن می کند. صدای تلویزیون بلند است، گوشش سنگین است کمی. چند وقت است که روی تخت کنارش ننشسته ام که با هم اخبار ببینیم و من ته دلم از اینکه خاتمی را بیشتر دوست دارد (حالا چون سید است) موذیانه کیف کنم. خیلی کار دارم ولی نمی دانم چه کار باید بکنم. عرق و اضطراب و سرما با هم قاتی شده و بوی عجیبی درست کرده. الان باید خوابیده باشد. امروز کسی بهش سر زده؟ کسی نیم ساعت اخباری چیزی را کنارش نشسته؟ برای کسی یک جمله را ده بار تکرار کرده یا از یخچال، یکی دو تا سیب آورده که  خودش پوست بکند و دستهایش بلرزد و مجبورت کند که همش را خودت بخوری. روز است یا شب؟ صبح شده یا نشده؟ چقدر سنگین است هوا. چقدر کار دارم؟ کجا هستم؟ خوابم یا بیدار؟ کسی به حاج آقا سر زد؟ اخبار را تنها نگاه کرد و خوابید؟ شب است یا روز؟ من خوابم؟

........

عرق کردم. کابوس، کابوس، بدترین کابوس.......... آآآآآآه .....دنیای واقعی را دوباره حس کردن چه لذتی داره. فقط خوشحالم که هیچ خوابی تا ابد طول نمی کشد.

خدا رحمتت کنه، پدر بزرگ. چند سال میشه تا حالا؟ یک سال قبل از اینکه بیام تهران، هر شب حداقل اخبار رو کنار تو از دست نمی دادم... بعد از المپیاد، همه می گفتن دعای حاج آقا، دعای حاج آقا...

***

٢. بعد از این همه مدت خوابش را دیدم. چقدر خشگل بود. ولی توی خواب هم تلخ بودیم و سنگین. از خواب که بیدار شدم به خودم می پیچدم. کاش حداقل توی خواب می بوسیدمش...کاش.